“The only conversion involved in Vipassana is from misery to happiness, from bondage to liberation.” – S.N. Goenka
At the beginning of March I took part in a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat in Mandalay, Myanmar. Upon day one I quickly realized how little I knew about meditation and the process overall. It’s not this enlightened feeling that comes over you, it’s work – hard work.
Day 0: The bus picked me up in Mandalay and we got to the Dhamma Vipassana compound situated out of Mandalay city limits. It was a gated off compound in a valley surrounded by big hills/mountains to the side. We were immediately assigned our rooms and then asked to forfeit our cellphones/laptops/books etc. The quarters were built for two persons but luckily there were not many of us so we each got our own room. The bed provided was a wooden board. I’m not one for fancy beds, but it was a board. Later in the evening, we were sent to the main hall to meditate and this began our vow of noble silence. No speaking, no eye contact, no physical contact. We began meditating that night for an hour literally with no instruction then were sent to our rooms for lights out.
Day 1: Each day began at 4am. There was a gong that went off loud throughout the property that rang 5 times then a lady with a triangle roamed the property managing to make it sound like she was directly next to your ear. We sat from 4:30-6:30am eyes closed/sitting cross-legged on a cushion in a large hall with men on one side, women on the other. The two teachers, one male, one female sat at the end of the hall motionless, overlooking us. I’m pretty sure they were actual statues, not human beings. You had to remain seated, eyes closed, neck up, head up, and never facing the soles of your feet to the teachers (a form of disrespect).
To give you the overview, each day was pretty much like day one. 4am wake up to start meditating 4:30-6:30am. Then breakfast (always noodles prepared differently with fruit on the side and rice porridge). Then another 3 hours of mediation with brief teaching in between via intercom (first in English, then in Burmese). Lunch midday was a two-hour window(always rice with yummy vegetables cooked differently, soup, and fruit) with time to bathe and hand-wash clothes afterwards. Another 3 hours of meditation followed, then juice time (as we were engaged in 10 days of fasting: just lime juice every day with a popular Myanmar chocolate ball that’s produced from a plum tree). It’s the size of a quarter but just one bite will give you a stomachache for the rest of the night. Another hour of meditation then a 1.5 hour long video of Goenka(the teacher via video recording) recapping what we learned that day. Then the best part of the day – a puny 30-minute meditation sitting! Then bed by 9pm, on the wooden board.
Day 4: Vipassana day. On this day, we learned the full technique of Vipassana. The days prior we were only building up to the true technique. From this day forth, we were challenged with 3 separate hour-long meditation sittings: morning, afternoon, and evening. During these, you were not allowed to leave the hall, move your legs, hands, nor open your eyes. These were our intense sittings.
Meditation is painful. So the first intense sitting where I wasn’t allowed to move I sat in pain with my legs dead asleep, sweating like a pig. (There were like six AC units in the hall but I’m 95% positive they turned them off on purpose during these sittings to get us feeling more ‘bodily sensations’ like sweat.) Within the first intense morning sitting I managed to not move the whole hour and that set a precedent for all future sittings! I was pleased! If I did it once, that means I could do it again!
They teach you that everything is impermanent, even pain. And yes it’s true. Sitting lotus styled for an hour is painful for your legs, arms, and back but the key is focusing deeper than the superficial pain you are feeling. They taught us a method to redirect our thoughts and pass through the body part by part: OBJECTIVELY. Never giving any particular part all the power. The connection between mind and body is astounding. It’s fascinating how much control we have in our minds. I would feel like my legs are on fire, just completely dead asleep but then the hour would be up, and I would stand, and my legs would be instantly normal. Talk about impermanent pain! Also, it was noted that no one has ever been injured by Vipassana. (So that was reassuring)
Day 7-9: These are the serious work days. Especially day 8/9, to try as hard as you can to focus. We were assigned a cell to meditate in the pagoda. The traditional Burmese temples that are round and pointed at the tops (like Hershey kisses). This was my first time in a pagoda and it was just a series of small one person cells. I was placed in a cement cell with a tiny window for air and a pillow in the center on the floor and then a closed door. It was exactly what jail looks like. (Like Alcatraz in SF) Looked like jail and felt like jail. I was really uncomfortable the first day bc I felt like I was in jail and it was freaking me out being in such a confined space. (When meditating in the pagoda cell you must always face the center on the pagoda). By the 8th and 9th day I began to enjoy the solidarity of my enclosed pagoda cell. I guess it grew on me!
Day 10: By midday the noble silence has been lifted. We are allowed to speak with one another. While I thought it wouldn’t be weird, the first half hour was strange. Talking out loud and hearing my voice felt so estranged. After the first thirty minutes I felt normal again! No longer amused by the sound of my own voice! The reason they lift the ban so early is get us transitioning back into normal life. I thought I would be uninterested in hearing others experiences but the opposite – I found solace. Hearing about their pain, their struggles, their accomplishments, commenting on funny/odd things from days prior and remembering it together. People commenting that they would peek their eyes open and see me focused in such a still form would make me laugh because I didn’t realize that’s what I was looking like as I was struggling on the inside. I felt the same when I would peek my eyes and see others and just gawk at how she was so together at minute 50. But just goes to show how we are perceived is not always the case.
I enjoyed all the meals very much. On day two we were taught to moderate our food as the stomach should be left a quarter empty. It was hard though because they offered you so much food and the serving spoons were huge! So I had to remind myself that one scoop of everything is plenty. I didn’t mind noodles every morning and rice every afternoon. I feel used to the non-Western breakfast as I’ve been traveling for two months already, and I truly enjoy it. Noodles and rice are my favorite so no complaints with the food from me! Well there was always a bowl of vegetables that had a red tint which every other day I would go for it even though the day prior it set my mouth on fire. Oops.
I guess I got used to the bed. But then again, it’s a board. It felt good to turn my mind off each night and rest so I think that made me forget the uncomfort. Every morning I would wake up to a full minute of inevitable back cracking when sitting up though!
We were 20 westerners. Mostly everyone from Europe. 5 guys/15 girls. Ranging from 22-44! I would say most were late twenties/early 30s. Couples/sisters/friends/loners/even a father and daughter duo!! By day two only 1 girl had left the program. We noticed one afternoon her meditation cushion was removed from the main hall and that was that. It’s honestly impressive no one else left. A sign that everyone was determined to do what it takes til the end.
There were 70 Burmese. Ranging from 20-80! Yes, there were about 5-8 60+ year olds! How do they do it?
It was a great cultural experience as well. These 12 days at the retreat were my first 12 days in Myanmar so I learned so much just by observing and being with them. A few things: traditional wrap worn like a skirt is the national bottom of choice (longyi). Both men and women wear these daily. Quite practical and breezy!
Belching is as common as sneezing. I didn’t enjoy this one that much. It was frequent and deep and loud. It’s quite distasteful to do in the western world but very common here.
The first day I was excited and positive but after realizing how long and hard the days were, I struggled. Day 2-4 I was a rollercoaster. Sometimes discouraged in my meditation, my mind wandering too much, too long, feeling restricted, walking the compound that reminded me of a World War Two ghetto in East Germany. I would count down the minutes til each session was over, looking forward to day 12, which felt so far away.
We were not allowed to exercise but we could walk and stretch a little. After lunch I would walk in circles around the women’s living quarters for 20 minutes. And I would stretch inbetween long sittings.
I honestly don’t think I ever felt lonely during the retreat. I didn’t miss talking. There was no opportunity to talk so I never had the desire. We had our own rooms, we passed eachother looking down at the floor, we all faced a wall when in the dining hall. So I didn’t feel lonely because I was alone, and that was it.
The hardest part was having my thoughts roam all day long in between my attempts to control my thoughts during meditation. I couldn’t write down any ideas or plans or just thoughts in general. I had no paper, no pen, no phone. Also, I left my travel backpack with my partner in Mandalay and brought just a small daypack with clothes and toiletries. So I didn’t even have, say, tweezers or nail clippers or even my big bag to reorganize my clothes everyday. When I was in my room after breakfast, lunch, and juice time I literally had absolutely nothing to do. I hand washed everything I had over and over again but even that didn’t take up much time. It’s hard not being able to write someone you care about or check the news or do anything other than being in your own mind.
That was the most difficult. That and that the days were filled with 10 hours of meditation. During three hour sittings we would get one or two 5-minute breaks. In that 5 minutes I had time to leave the hall, walk to my room, use the restroom then the gong would go off and I had to return to the hall. Days were long. Expecting you to have 10 ‘good’ hours of meditation is hard. I would choose certain sittings to just sit there and think about whatever I wanted to give myself a break from forcing my mind to meditate but then at the same time I was tired of my thoughts because there was nothing I could do with them. It was just long days where it never seemed like we were going to get to that 12th day.
On the twelfth day we had watched a two-hour lesson teaching us how to continue our progress in the real world. We meditated then had breakfast then packed our bags to leave. The morning I left, everything was fine. I was happy to be leaving and reunited with my partner and back in society. But when I physically walked out of the compound I had been in/only seen for the past 12 days I was taken over by emotion. I couldn’t help but cry. It was so strange. I didn’t expect this. I was reunited with Dave and I was so happy, but I just cried the moment I saw him, and riding our motorbike back to his hotel, just looking around at the hustle and bustle of everyone around me, riding their motos/busses/walking, the noises, the fresh air. Everything just hit me. I was in shock. It felt so weird being a part of the world again. I was so grateful to be on the back of that moto having my own free will. I still can’t believe how much I was impacted when I was released but it just felt so good, I felt so liberated and I was so grateful to know that I was free. It took me all afternoon to just take it easy and soak it all in, and a few days to get back into the internet/communication world.
I recommend this course to everyone. I think it was set up very well. This is Vipassana taught in it’s authentic form as it was when it started centuries before. It felt very pure. The teachers and staff were friendly. I felt safe the whole time. The quality of everything was simple but clean and nice. The whole program is donation-based. With hopes that you pass along more than just money. You give what you can, when you can. They want you to share your peace with others so that they can have peace too. It’s all very authentic and pure. I didn’t know things like this existed in our current modern day.
This was the hardest/coolest/most enlightening experience of my life. I thought I would instantly become happier/more peaceful but it’s a process. I’m happy to have had this experience and continue this journey on the path to peace. It wasn’t easy but I learned so much and am grateful to have come out on the other side with a new perspective. There’s such a beautiful connection between mind and body and I’m happy to continue building and working with that connection. It reminds me of the marathon I did, so much of that feat was mental it was me telling myself to continue to not focus on the fact that my body was tired and didn’t want to run anymore. It’s about training your mind. And meditation is no different. Training your mind to rid itself of likes and dislikes and pain and just be neutral in your thoughts bringing you an overall calming sensation.
I’m happy I did it. I’m happy to have made it through and that my experience turned out to be unique to my personal self. This me embracing the path to my own journey.